Pome

[wulfboy.livejournal.com]

Pome. I'm not sure if it works properly and I'm not happy with it. I know whatr I'm trying to say but I'm not convinced I'm getting it right. I can't tell if the first-line repetition is useful or not. Polishing advice appreciated.



Our Cities

My city pools as meat,
settles like mercury,
blurred by mobility.

My city reeks and sweats,
dripping and exhaling,
filthy with grease.

My city is red and brown,
spread on your canvas,
dirty and exalted.

My city flows and bleeds,
it ebbs and it seeps,
rising and receding.

My city throbs through yours,
locating each street,
outlining concrete.

My city defines you,
makes you more than atoms,
gives you a name.

Comments

This is only my opinion. =] Hope you're not offended.

[lalumena.livejournal.com]

Try replacing my with the perhaps? And removing the your in the third stanza? It may make the sense of narrative voice less intrusive.

I messed around with it a little, and came up with this [I hope that's not offensive, I certainly wouldn't presume to claim it as my own work]. I made the structure a little less rigid.

reeking and sweating
the city drips and exhales
filthy with grease

[I think this is a stronger image to start the poem on.]

the city pools as meat
settles like mercury
blurred by mobility

red and brown
it spreads across canvas
dirty and exalted

the city flows and bleeds
it ebbs and it seeps
rising and receding

my city throbs through yours
locating each street
outlining concrete

My city defines you,
makes you more than atoms,
gives you a name.

I think often a line break serves a similar purpose to a comma so you don't always need both. I really liked some of the images in your poem, it was quite evocative. ]