two poems

[melancholyxrose.livejournal.com]

i really enjoy getting ideas/suggestions on my poems. i am in a creative writing class and so i expecially want my work reviewed before i submit it. these two poems that i have writter were done very quickly (although I don't know if I should point that out) and they haven't been revised as of yet. lemme know what you guys think of one or both! thank you!!!


groping; yearning
fondling; lusting -
thrusting
teasing; pleasing
hoping -
for more.

mangled; tangled
wrapping;
lapping -
up desire.

crushing; cramming;
don't give a -
damming;
shred; fled;
dread -
you're leaving.

but you're gone anyway.



i'm painting your nails pink
you don't like it, but i do
and you love to humor me
your hands are rough, like pumice -
in it's absensce.
a dishwasher's hand
falls limp as I gingerly
apply the pink paint
on my palable pallet.
your thumb loosly falls
over my fingers.
Its only support -
besides the drunken glee
in my eyes -
in this peculiar perdicament.
At the end
you gaze at them
in wonder
ful confusion.
Looking through them
at my own wonder
ful amusement.

Comments

[nyarbaggytep.livejournal.com]

Some constructives for you - hope these help!

In the first poem:
I'd have 'lapping up desire' as one line - it looks a little forced over two.
The word 'shred' seems out of place - or I haven't understood its meaning, I'd take out that line and skip straight to 'dread'.

In the second poem:
I wouldn't split 'wonder-ful' over the two lines, maybe add the 'wonder' to the start of the 'ful' so you repeat the word.
I don't know the word 'palable' - do you mean pliable?
I don't think the 'in its absence' line adds - so I might cut that.

I'm also really picky about spelling - so I'd correct
damming - damning
absensce - absence
loosly - loosely
perdicament - predicament
But hey, I'm pedantic about these things. My mother works for the Dictionary (not that it always shows in my stuff you understand!).

Overall I prefer the second poem, I specially like the first two lines and the end two sentences.

Hope this was useful.

[melancholyxrose.livejournal.com]

thanks for the suggestions!!

As a counter argument...

[smokingboot.livejournal.com]

...with total respect for Nyarbaggytep's thoughts, I don't agree with everything she says.

Regarding the spelling of 'Damming' in the first poem, I would suggest not changing it. Some might read it and see a mis-spelling, others would see a pun; Don't give a damn becomes a damming up of emotions.

Phrases like;
'In wonder
ful confusion'

Can mean 'In wonderful confusion," as one would expect if this was a prose piece. As prose the phrase has a conventional meaning, i.e a sense of confusion that feels wonderful.
The poetic structure gives another possibility, i.e, a sense of wonder accompanied by a separate feeling, one that is full of confusion. Neither the poet nor the reader needs to make an either or decision here. Ambiguity is OK.

Reading that back, I see I'm pointing out the obvious. In short, I wouldn't fiddle with these poems. The language is strong and vivid, but IMHO it's the powerful structure that makes these pieces poetry.

Re: As a counter argument...

[melancholyxrose.livejournal.com]

thank's for the second opinion.

it was acutally my intention of implying two emotions in the last part of the poem. as far as damming/damning goes... obviously this draft has tons of spelling errors, i was thinking of changing it to damning, but i really like the interpretation that you presented. it was very unique and i liked it...

thanks a lot!!