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[immerwahr.livejournal.com]

A friend of mine asked me to write him some lyrics for songs. He is pretty skilled at three minute pop wonders, which I (to my undying disappointment) am not. I guess he was looking for something different. I'm not sure that what I came up with is suitable for him, and I'm not sure that it is suitable to be called poetry either. Before I pass them on to him I thought I would ask for comments here. I find it hard to release things into the world as I will endlessly refine, fiddle and edit without ever being happy with the finished product. However, I chose as a method one which was used by a poet I was lucky enough to share a writer's group with many years back. He wrote reams of good words and then ruthlessly cut them down to the bone (I was amazed to see a four line poem that I loved be born from two sides of closely written A4). Often the sense of what he was after in the first place was left only for him to see. I kind of liked that idea, and still do. I'll post more over the next few days. Here is the first one. I'll be very glad of comments. Ta.

CATS WITH WINGS

Cats with wings
They exist, you know
In more than doctored photo
They take your tongue in lieu of love
And nail it to their stretching backs
A mouthful of blood produces only red words
Spit spray crimson and every sense blurred

It’s no small thing to own some thing
That only works in theory
Especially if it’s ugly and unnatural
Just stubby limbs and furry
Glued parts of horse and narwhal spike
Will only make the unicorns laugh
However many innocents
Are drawn in to breathe out on dirty glass
Your mermaid is a kewpie doll with bits of pike attached
Look for the join and you’ll see what does not truly fly
Mummers and mountebanks remain hidebound
Not like cats with wings

Be smart enough to take off from the ground
And gravity’s rainbow will bring you safe back down again
Up there somewhere in the layered aether
Cats cloud coloured scrap with nipping fever
Down below a bowl of quicklime and saltpetre
Lesser beasts have no taste for either
Cats with wings

Comments

[pax-draconis.livejournal.com]

This is, I think, quite unusual for you. There's an edge to some of your other writing that seems absent here - that not being a bad or a good thing, but simply being a thing.

Imagery as ever very vivid. I'll digest for a bit and comment again later int he weekend.

[pax-draconis.livejournal.com]

Imagery in the second half of each verse is particularly visually evocative. The second verse, though, feels like two disparate sections; it feels like there's a suppressed break between laugh/ and /However. That might be my craving for geometrical symmetry talking though.

[immerwahr.livejournal.com]

You're right - I wanted to take the edge off and not be as hidebound as usual. I also struggle with structure and confess to not being all that concerned with form and symmetry - I was more concerned with getting the ideas and images across like a drunken kiss, all quick and regretted afterwards. Structure drives me mad sometmes cos it's hard work. That's why I think some of this is gratingly loose. Glad you liked the imagery.

[littleonions.livejournal.com]

Kinda wot PD said, very dense imagery in the second stanza/verse/section thingy. It reminds me of Elliot, very dense, lots of references and allusion,(I think) which although great does detract a touch, I think from some of the really evocative (IMO) imagery like the two lines;
However many innocents
Are drawn in to breathe out on dirty glass

The in out thing is ver cool, and the mental picture conjoured is spot on.
The first stanza/verse is easier to get to grips with as it has a more regular beat, but I confess to; although loving it, not knowing what it means, very visual though.

The...erm alliteration? (I think its that) in the last section; cats cloud coloured evokes a very cat like image, sharp and clawy, inf you see what I mean, anywho its cool and at odds with the fluffy perception of clouds, but then I guess thats the idea as cats wid patagia are fairly weird.
I'm not good with poetry, so please forgive my blundering mumblings.

BTW did you read the many and various articles on winged moggies in The Fortean Times?

[immerwahr.livejournal.com]

Yes, too much allusion and clever-cleverness. Apologies, I was feeling indulgent of myself. I was hoping that the images and ideas would come across despite, which they seem to have a bit. You blundered not at all, and thank you very much for your comments.

I'm a subscriber of many years and have read all the various articles on winged and loose-skinned moggies. That's where this came from. *s*

[winterdrake.livejournal.com]

I like this a great deal. It's not at all what I expected it to be, from the first couple of lines, and that's an excellent thing in a poem. The opening feels as if it will be soft and fairly calm, tame, rhythmical, lyrical and neat, when in fact it's none of the above.

Key impressions? Visceral, headlong, vivid, intense, broken idealism and patched despair...the imagery, as has been mentioned, is stunning and startling. There are ideas in here that feel as if they could develop on and on - It's no small thing to own some thing / That only works in theory would be an example. I agree with Ian that there is a slight lack of form or structure in the second stanza; it carries you very fast, and I found my mental heels scrabbling and slipping, searching for purchase. That may well be the point, though.

I'm not sure about

Be smart enough to take off from the ground
And gravity’s rainbow will bring you safe back down again

I think I understand what you mean, but it feels a bit naive, in contrast with the open bravery of the rest of the stanza. A bit like riding a bike with stabilisers; too much reassurance.

Hope this helps - hope you don't mind the input. Feel free to query/disagree. And to repeat what I said at the beginning, I like this a lot. I think it's going to crawl into an odd corner of my mind and come out to play occasionally. Would you mind if I kept a copy?

[immerwahr.livejournal.com]

Thanks for your comments. Glad that the opening had the desired effect, and to some extent the second verse as well - it is ill-defined and loose, but I think I can get away with claiming a rushing, scrabbling flood of images instead. Maybe not. As said above my interest in structure was limited, which may be a drawback.

You are absolutely right about the gravity's rainbow bit - it was a darling that should have been murdered, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Naivity doesn't suit me, neither does being hopeful. What you said was a help, ta. Please keep a copy if you wish.

[winterdrake.livejournal.com]

Addendum: it doesn't read like a song lyric. It's a unified whole all on its own; doesn't need the music to complete it. This is, IMHO, how ong lyrics should be. I would be fascinated to hear it set to music though; the opening understandings and parallel meanings could be wonderful.