Love

[wulfboy.livejournal.com]

Inspired! Possibly. Keeping my hand in, if you prefer.

I developed a taste for Haiku because I like structure; rules; whatever. I like to mess around within an established "form" of words. I started doing them extemperously for an L5R tabletop, and I still do them from time to time. Make no mistake; they are not (as far as I know) "proper" Haiku. I like the conept, though; they have to be quick, written based on syllable count, with a minimum of editing, which is the way I like to work. This is a 5/7/5 syllable count which is the frame I usually use, and rarely achieve. Course it's not proper Haiku because they're verses and not self-contained. But it's the thought that counts.

As with almost everything I write and have written, it's meant to be read aloud (you can tell how it's intended to sound by being aware of the syllable count). Or possibly put into a Valentine's Day Card, posted anonymously through someone's letter box.



Erotic Romance/Twenty-First Century Love/And Impulse Control

Often, I want to
Drive a sharpened screwdriver
Into your left eye.

I imagine it,
Bursting and dribbling down your
Stupid fucking face.

I can see it now,
And my lips pressed to your cheek,
Kissing you deftly.

Twisting the metal,
Scraping raw blade on rough bone,
Passionate exchange.

Straining to hear you
(Holding you against my chest),
Shudder and exult.

This being real life,
I lack the right tool and so,
Nodding, walk past you.

Is your life empty,
Knowing how close you have come
To my modern love?


Be honest. Is it too Goth-Studenty?

Comments

[samharber.livejournal.com]

Its a feeling I get every day in the office. I quite like it. Do you mind if I print it off and stick it up as a warning?

[wulfboy.livejournal.com]

Heh. Feel free.

[nyarbaggytep.livejournal.com]

No.
I like it.
Can't think of any useful crit though.

[littleonions.livejournal.com]

Why the left eye?...cos you're right handed?

[winterdrake.livejournal.com]

I wouldn't exactly say I like the image, but it's got a definite power :). I can hear the intonation I'd use to speak it. Very clean imagery, very sharp form. I'm not entirely sure about the penultimate verse...it seems weaker than the rest, and it's a pivot-point for the meaning...I think the break/pull-back/shift from internal to external needs to be more harshly marked, if that makes sense...

All, as always, very much IMHO.

[wulfboy.livejournal.com]

I'm right handed, so I think the left eye is on the right-hand side of the face as I look at someone. Attacking from the front.

[wulfboy.livejournal.com]

I agree with you about the penultimate verse, in retrospect. It has a tacked-on feel and is there mainly to try and put across the idea that I'm not a collosal head-case. Would it work better as a "love poem" without that verse, do you think?

[littleonions.livejournal.com]

yes, thats what I figured.