Somewhat nervous

[nyarbaggytep.livejournal.com]

about posting a pome on here - as have not really showed much to people before. But really want honest feedback - say it like it is please.

I wrote this when the war in Iraq started.


How do I express the inexpressible?
bear the unbearable?
change the unchangeable?

Death is too small a word
killing, murder, war are all too little
to express this scything devastation
this senseless, ceaseless, brutal thing
on a scale too vast to comprehend
brought home by the tiniest of details

A roar to shake the corners of the earth – my inarticulate rage
A scream to shake the stars above – my endless sorrow
A flower, tiny before a tank – my fragile hope

Comments

[dreamfire.livejournal.com]

Beautiful first and last section, strong expression. I think the middle section weakens it - and would try reducing it to "Death is too small a word".
This could be purely down to my love of simplicity. But I think its a tendency that is easy to fall into to overwrite over express especially when writing poetry...

[caddyman.livejournal.com]

I don't know if I'm the person to comment since I can't write poetry for toffee. I can't even do convincing doggerel.

I agree with Kat, though. In the middle you only need the line, Death is too small a word.

Try taking the rest of that verse and making it a stand alone additiojnal verse at the end.

See what it looks like to you.