I Now Present My Pome (You Cannot Stop Me)

[wulfboy.livejournal.com]

Love Letter

I hate you.

That look you get, you know the one,
It makes me clench my fists, think about bruises,
Consider the cost worth the purchase.

I'd as soon be smacked in the face
As listen to your laugh, that primate gurgle
Jerks the muscle in my jaw and dries my throat.

I despise your obsessions; you are trivial,
Enraptured by the bland mannequin drool
Perpetrated in square and circle.

I Loathe your family, your friends, your clothes,
Your taste in music; in all things my regard for you
Grows smaller with each passing, begrudging breath.

My life would be empty without you.

Comments

[pax-draconis.livejournal.com]

yet again, you manage to communicate exactly the point in the minimum wordage. This is what I cannot do: edged brevity. Marvellous.

A couple of minor changes for emphasis and edge rather than style: try rewriting it using the bare minimum number of prepositions and connectors. Take every "the" that you can afford to spare out. "It makes me clench fists, think of bruises/Consider purchase worth cost". Look at each word and see if there's a way to make it harsher, more abrupt - "grudging" instead of "begrudging".

This is a bilious and malevolent little star. I shall twinkle with it all day.