(no subject)

[immerwahr.livejournal.com]

THE RIPLEY KID

Shyness is nice
But most definitely in the next world please
The loneliness of a long-running joke
That just isn’t funny anymore
Dipping for the tape or stopping just before the line
Makes me wonder what type of race you’re running
If your chest refuses to be beaten
A tequila sunrise painted around your heart
If that heart tastes bitter then it should be eaten
Teeth grow back if you’re a shark
Or the Ripley kid, believe it or not
She really does make you nervous then
Yes, mostly
Swim, eat and make baby sharks
This cross-eyed notion of perpetual motion
I have barely enough oxygen in my lungs
Just sitting still on the bottom

Comments

[smokingboot.livejournal.com]

This one has the sharp edge your first one lacked, more precision, stronger structure. First one I thought needed something to firm it up in the middle, music to give it rhythm, something harder than itself. Though its ideas were vivid, I found myself skimming over the lines to get to them, missing the point, impatient for impact. This makes me chew on it.

[kingandy]

Alien Resurrection was an awful film.

I just thought I'd mention.

Oooh, thank you

[nyarbaggytep.livejournal.com]

The repetition of the word running in the first few lines lessens the impact for me - but does give the tie in between the joke running the race - not sure if that's intentional.

She really does make you nervous then
Yes, mostly ...has a big impact for me because of being different to the rest, should there be a ? after then?

Overall I like that very much.

[wulfboy.livejournal.com]

"A tequila sunrise painted around your heart" I like that. Nice turn of phrase. In fact, I think the whole thing's a gem. I liked "cross-eyed notion of perpetual motion" and "loneliness of the long running joke" Plus the cleverness of "the Ripley kid, believe it or not"

'Sabout birds, right?